Hangover Child, Til The Clock Runs Over

Q: What's a hipster's favorite kind of weather?

A: Post-cipitation!

Q: What noise does a hipster cow make?
A: "Meh..."

Q: What's the difference between farmers and hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork.

Q: How much do hipsters weigh, on average?
A: An Instagram.

Q: How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Y'know, the corner bar has working lights. Let's go get wasted.

Q: Where was the body of the drowned hipster found?
A: Floating in the mainstream.

Q: What's a hipster's favorite place in the whole world?
A: Not where they are. 

Still Looking For That Blue Jean Baby Queen, Prettiest Girl I Ever Seen

I think I may have accidentally bought a pair of ladies' jeans.

In fairness, all I was looking for was a cheap pair of jeans to wear to work. One of my pairs of Carhartt jeans, which are supposed to be a bit tougher, wear a bit harder, made for the working man, has finally split its seam. Incidentally, it's to be cut up and used for patches for the other pairs of Carhartts that are still hanging on.

I struck out at the recently opened Salvation Army store on the corner of 9th and East Carson. No jeans in my size. I will say this for the Salvation Army: their store is always far better organized than Goodwill. It's a better shopping experience, actually. Better staffed, better organized, and no irritating BOB FM on the radio. So I picked up my headphones from my car, put on my Guided By Voices mix (a necessity after all this winter and a trying week at work) and made the mile-long trek to Goodwill. It's a fun walk, past all the storefronts, restaurants, and even some of the more interesting vacant buildings that line East Carson.

An important point of context: I had not begun drinking yet.

I made it down to the South Side Works (to give an idea how long a walk this is, the Goodwill is on 27th and East Carson, eighteen blocks away), and began my search. They had rearranged the store since I had been in last, and I had to find the pants. In the end I only found three pairs of jeans in my size - or close to it. There were two ordinary-looking pairs, and one that was obviously from the acid-wash jeans trend of the late 80s and early 90s. I mean, these things were so close to being snow white it was hilarious. I had to at least try them on, but I didn't get a picture of the event, (un)fortunately.

I grabbed them and stole away to the fitting room to check for fit. I jammed myself into the acid-wash beast. It wasn't so comfortable, actually - it was pretty tight around the knees. Not quite skinny jean territory, but not something I want to worry about at work. So I extricated myself from them as best I could; and, with a sigh of either relief or disappointment (still not sure which one) hung the grunge-era relic back on its hanger.

Next up was the first of the ordinary pair. I think they were Faded Glory - you know, the Wal-Mart store brand. They weren't too bad, except the waistband was awful pinchy. I don't like pinchy waistbands. As a matter of fact, I have a pair of Carhartts to replace with that exact problem. So again, out and back to the hanger on the wall hook they went, not to be purchased.

I came to the last pair. The brand was unfamiliar to me - the Mossimo Supply Co. New one on me. As I gave them their moment in the sun, I realized that these were certainly the most comfortable jeans I could have found in the whole store, possibly the best I've worn in my life. Nothing felt squeezed, nothing seemed too loose; it honesty felt like I wasn't even wearing pants at all, they were so comfortable. (Better that than vice versa, I suppose.) Done and done! I decided at that moment that they would be mine. I bought them and headed back to drop them off at the car.

Then I went to the bar.

Fast-forward to the next day. I decide to try them on, and I'm showing them to my mom and talking about how nice the fit is. She asks about the brand and I show her the label. In goes 'Mossimo Supply Co.' to the gaping maw of Google, whose all-seeing eye finds us what we were looking for. I think.

Incidentally, any comparisons between Google and Mordor are easily explained by the fact that the folks and I just finished watching 'Return Of The King'. Besides, only one at a time can wield the Ring - since it took both Larry and Sergey to create the greatest search engine ever, I think we're safe from Google.

As Mom and I scan some online store that carries Mossimo clothing, we notice something problematic. All we're seeing in jeans is in the ladies' category. Men who shop for Mossimo and want something other than dress slacks to cover them from the waist down (they don't even sell kilts!) will be going home in their skivvies. And in this weather, that's bad news.

I'm still not completely convinced that they're ladies' jeans, though. I don't want to return them or let them go, as I really like them. So here's the evidence suggesting that they are in fact men's:

1. Their size is given in the same format as all the other jeans I've ever owned - in waist/length format. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that some company out there sizes ladies' pants the same way, but I've never heard of it. Mom hasn't either. 
2. The belt loops are big enough for my studded belt. You know, one like every hipster has left over from his poorly-executed punk phase. I'd've expected ladies' jeans to have smaller belt loops. 
3. There's plenty of room in them for The Fifth Most Important Things In Life. You'd think ladies' jeans would bind there if a guy wore them. Not so in this case. (Most Important Things One Through Four shall remain secret.)
4. Nowhere on them does it specify whether they're men's or ladies'. This isn't conclusive, but it isn't conclusive for the counter-argument, either. 

Speaking of which, here's the evidence for them to, in fact, be of the ladies' department:

1. Mossimo does not appear to make men's jeans. Despite some serious searching, I found no evidence that they do so.
2. Like I said, Goodwill is comparatively less organized than the Salvation Army. It's entirely plausible that these jeans got moved from the ladies' department to the men's by accident, and nobody noticed. Or just as likely, nobody knew that they were ladies' wear in the first place. 
3. They're so positively comfortable, it boggles the mind. Most of my 'most comfortable' jeans would be better described as 'least annoying', actually. These are actually enjoyable to wear.

Irregardless, I've been wearing them all day, and I think they're my new favorite pair of jeans. 

I've Watched You Move Like A Knife In The Water

Hey Roi! I finally got around to putting up the playlists for the CDs I burned for you back in October! Sorry it took so long.

I hope you enjoyed them.

The Lion Series Vol. 1: Brutish Railways

1. Springing Leaks - Algernon Cadwallader
2. The Modern World - The Jam
3. Race For The Prize - The Flaming Lips
4. Witchcraft - Wolfmother
5. The Ram - Manila Road
6. Rock & Roll Queen - The Subways
7. Almost Easy - Avenged Sevenfold
8. Contra - Early Man
9. Industrial Enemy - Templar
10. On The Way Home - Neil Young
11. Sundrop - The Flying Eyes
12. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
13. Goin' Out West - Tom Waits
14. Chancer - The Von Bondies
15. Retirement - Kaiser Chiefs
16. Gangs In The Garden - Black Moth Super Rainbow
17. Favours For Favours - Futureheads
18. Guide - The Music
19. Everlasting Light - The Black Keys

The Lion Series Vol. 2: Fraternal Twin Steel Mills
(some copies released with working title 'Moving Fast With Humans')

1. Motor Away - Guided By Voices
2. I Turn My Camera On - Spoon
3. Is There A Ghost - Band Of Horses
4. Wildcat - Ratatat
5. Adrenaline Nightshift - Japandroids
6. Worry Worry - The Fiery Furnaces
7. Hold My Life - The Replacements
8. Conventional Wisdom - Built To Spill
9. Let It Ride - Buffalo Killers
10. We No Who U R - Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
11. Class Clown Spots A UFO - Guided By Voices
12. The Two Sides Of Monsieur Valentine - Spoon
13. I Can't Quit Her - Blood, Sweat & Tears
14. Rollerdisco - Black Moth Super Rainbow
15. For The Love Of Ivy - Japandroids
16. Ex-Guru - The Fiery Furnaces
17. Kill Your Television - Ned's Atomic Dustbin
18. Wooden Ships - Crosby, Stills & Nash*
19. Black Paper - Buffalo Killers

* Neil Young sold separately. 

All The Other Kids With The Pumped Up Kicks

I want to talk about the end of an era. Not anything that's been on the news, but something I do want to remember. It's this pair of shoes.

Thanks to Jake for the arm.

If you look closely, you'll see that they're completely destroyed. That right sole is half peeled away from the rest of the shoe, they're riddled with holes, and it's a miracle that the original laces are still in any useful condition.

When I first began pounding the pavement on the South Side after work or whenever the hell I felt like it, I found that the best shoes I could wear were these elderly Chucks. I'd been given them sometime during college and rarely wore them; but as I began to enjoy the Pittsburgh nightlife, I kept preferring these over my Reeboks for some reason. Somehow, the Chucks were far more comfortable for the bar crawling I was doing, and when it comes to hitting the hipster bars, they looked about right (even though Stuff Hipsters Hate claims that Chucks are out. I disagree). 

But it didn't end there. These shoes have been to two or three states and picked up mud on numerous railfan trips. Parties and family gatherings saw them out; and I'm certain that a lot of beer, liquor, barbeque sauce and pipe tobacco ash have pelted and rained upon them while I wore them almost everywhere I went. They didn't make it to Puerto Rico as I was worried about wearing them through airport security and didn't quite have space in my suitcase for them. And they've only been worn to work once, when I had a day off and had forgotten something in my locker. 

Sadly, though, they began to take on the epically beaten appearance you see on them in the photo I've posted. That right sole began to peel so badly it was folding over and dragging when I walked. They had hit a level of lifetime mileage that would finally put them out of service. 

Fortunately, I received a replacement pair for my birthday recently; this pair is red, rather than the original pair's black with red lining. And they're a little bit different from their predecessors, but in the long run I don't mind that at all. (I wanted green but that's another story.)

Should I bury them or give them a Viking funeral?

Flip-Out Skip-Out Trip-Out And Make Your Stand

I officially have the most worn-out copy of 'Green Tambourine' by The Lemon Pipers. No, seriously. I swear you can hear the wear of a thousand hippies toking to the vibes, man. And that's AFTER cleaning the marijuana smoke from the grooves. The B-side, 'No Help From Me', is not bad, but not as classic as 'Green Tambourine'.

And my copy of 'Mellow Yellow' is just as trashed. Donovan never sounded more scratchy, not in his worst case of the flu. That's the trouble with buying loose 45s; they're often the worst-treated records you can find. But for 50 cents, what do you really expect? That said, even a scratchy copy of 'Sunny South Kensington', the B-side, is totes worth it for the price when you discover how neat a piece of 60's pop it is.

So glad 'Susie-Q Part 1' is in much better shape. I'm guessing that my buddy Matt probably has a near-mint copy; he's the biggest Creedence Clearwater Revival fan I know. However - Matt, have you heard the B-side, 'Susie-Q Part 2'? It's an instrumental workout in another key; and damn, John Fogerty can shred! (Matt says yes he has.)

One of my favorite records of all time, the instrumental 'Red River Rock' by Johnny & The Hurricanes, released on the Warwick label in 1958, holds a special place for me as it was one of the first songs I taught myself to play on guitar. Finding a copy on that very original label in the Mill Hall Goodwill, with my very good friend Roi was a real treat. This nostalgia-laden (for me, anyway) disc has a B-side called 'Buckeye' that's also good. Sadly, that side of my copy has a patch of white noise that makes it almost impossible to listen to.

A fair copy of The Status Quo's 'Pictures Of Matchstick Men' can be found in my collection. I remember hearing this psychedelic classic on the oft-mourned Channel 97. Sometimes a DJ would bring it out for something different, or it'd get played on their A to Z Playback when every one-hit wonder and also-ran got their moment in the sun. Less psychedelic and more poppy, but just as interesting, is 'Gentlemen Joe's Sidewalk Cafe' on the flip side. A tale of lost love, it's another side of 60's pop and rock that I wish we could hear more of these days. I think this one came from a visit to Half-Price Books.

Despite some clicks and pops, Wilbert Harrison's 'Kansas City' on the original Fury record label is probably one of my all-time favorite R&B discs. The easy delivery of Harrison, and his smooth voice - combined with one of the most easygoing blues beats - make this a true classic. The flip side is a doo-wop number called 'Listen, My Darling'; unfortunately my copy has a very off-center pressing of this track and at times you can hear the effective speed change.

Another classic early rock instrumental, Lonnie Mack's cover of the Chuck Berry hit 'Memphis' is in better condition than I'd hoped, thankfully. Recorded in 1961, the disc boasts a B-side called 'Down In The Dumps' which easily could've been a hit in its own right. If anyone has a copy of Mack's other claim to fame, 'Wham!' they're willing to part with, would you let me know?

How about a little country to round things out? Dave Dudley rose to fame with this single, released on the Golden Wing label - the truck driver anthem 'Six Days On The Road'. I never noticed that he started his sojourn on this slice of wax in Pittsburgh. Thanks for the shout-out, Dave. I hate to say it about one of my favorite country records, but the B-side is an empty return; 'I Feel A Cry Coming On' is a pretty standard country tale of lost love. Dudley sounds great, but the song isn't much special.

If I need to find a replacement for this Motown classic, I'm sure it won't be hard; 'You Keep Me Hanging On' by The Supremes. I realize I've been ignoring my Sixties soul stacks - I've got a small collection of The Supremes and The Temptations, among others, but just haven't made time to spin them. That's an error I aim to rectify. 'Remove This Doubt' on the flip side is a hidden gem I know I've never heard before.

The 'Boston Blackie' Kind

I shaved my mustache off.

I know this may come as a shock to some of my readers who were fascinated with (read: concerned about) my hipster-colored antics of late; and it still hasn't sunk in for me yet. I look in a mirror and the reaction is some kind of shock, maybe denial.

That mustache was a lot of work; it took months to get it to grow to the right length, and weeks of using my (neck)beard as the greenhouse bed for its beginnings. Only a few weeks ago, I remembered how I got the fu-manchu-style verticals to the correct width in the beginning: hold them aside with a perfectly vertical finger, and use said finger as a guide for the trimmer. Weirdly, the soul patch stayed very light, compared to the rest of the 'stache, except for a few very dark hairs at the center. Never understood that. Maybe it's the Welshman in me. I always thought that, like the Dude's rug, that soul patch tied my facial hair together. It's been a fun project, actually, if you want to talk about it like that.

But there are reasons that it had to go. Right now, I'm supposed to be job hunting. I don't know if employers are going to take too kindly to some dude with unkempt hair and an apparently ironic mustache asking them for a job. And I'm told the ladies aren't a fan of the ol' face caterpillar either. So, until I have a job with a lax dress code and start dating a girl whose favorite actor is Burt Reynolds, I think I should face the world cleanshaven.

EDIT: An astute reader brought to my attention that, depending on the context, it should be Tom Selleck referenced in this post and not Burt Reynolds. As a matter of fact, I was indeed thinking of Selleck when I wrote it, although I will admit to a soft spot for the original Smokey And The Bandit. Thanks, Roi!

I'm Not That Good At Breathing In

I managed to get six albums that I wanted and somehow they never made it onto this list when I found out about them. The new Black Keys, the latest three Guided By Voices discs, The Myrrors, and Blue Oyster Cult's Spectres. So much for making progress. Fortunately I haven't added too much to the list lately.

Current:
Courtney Barnett - The Double EP: A Sea Of Split Peas
Shulamith - Poliça
Up From Below - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Mechanical Bull - Kings Of Leon
Port Of Morrow - The Shins
New Moon - The Men
Heartthrob - Tegan & Sara
Hummingbird - Local Natives*
The Suburbs - The Arcade Fire*
Reflektor - The Arcade Fire
Vapor Trails Remixed - Rush

Classics:
3 - Gamma
Lights Out - UFO
Drums & Wires - XTC
Crystal Logic - Manilla Road*

*Have digital, looking for vinyl.

I Swore I'd Never Ever Do It Again, 'Til This Day

Passed Out On A Public Complex Lawn

Pittsburgh's Southside neighborhood, March 9th 2014.

He's Got A Future In British Steel

Keep searchin'.

Current:
Shulamith - Poliça
Up From Below - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Mechanical Bull - Kings Of Leon
Port Of Morrow - The Shins
New Moon - The Men
Heartthrob - Tegan & Sara
Hummingbird - Local Natives*
The Suburbs - The Arcade Fire*
Reflektor - The Arcade Fire
Vapor Trails Remixed - Rush

Classics:
3 - Gamma
Lights Out - UFO
Drums & Wires - XTC
Crystal Logic - Manilla Road*

Loved His Gun And His Sweet Cocaine

The ironic right to keep and bear arms? Or the right to keep and bear ironic arms?

Uh... Don't you mean...the police?

Also - you fail gun safety forever.

Now I Don't Know How To Feel, I've Got Bulldog Skin

I don't understand it.

I'm vacillating - oscillating, really, between two sets of feelings - One shining and pure, the other a sense of waste on many levels and in many interpretations. In order, the last few books I've read (and this might give a clue as to the source of my emotional pinballing) are: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played With Fire, The Hobbit, The Fellowship Of The Ring (only so far as Frodo's arrival in Rivendell), and Generation X by Douglas Coupland. The last I just picked up today for 99 cents in a thrift store on the South Side (along with a fistful of oldies on their original labels, natch) and interrupted my revisit to Middle-Earth to check it out. I'm still not finished with the novel, but it's a strange tale of Southern California hipsterism, apparently published just before it was cool. And it's a vividly shitty and emotionally empty view of the world.

My reading list has turned into the emotional equivalent of the liar paradox, almost; and I sit here emotionally supertasking for almost no discernable reason. I can only guess that the sense of depression I got from reading the first Larsson novel and following up a few days later with the second needed healed with Tolkien's fantasy world, about as richly and glowingly conceived as the Sweden of Lisbeth Salander and Mikael Blomkvist seems to be dulled and darkened by filth and sex, the SoCal of Dag, Andy and Claire weatherbeaten and warmed-over (or cleverly hand-distressed to appear as such?). I'm bewildered and depressed, yet again, by Coupland and his knack for picking apart the lives of twentysomethings who feel equal parts smothered and abandoned by the (post-)modern world. Strangely, I feel as though Tolkien gives to the hobbits returning home at the end of The Return Of The King the same chance to remake their world in their own image as the disaffected youth of Coupland's novel seem to long for. Saruman as mass marketer? A strange instance of applicability, especially as opposed to the disavowed allegory alluded to in Fellowship's foreword.

Cut away the garbage, the hype, the careers, the fads and the fast food, and you get to what makes people, well, human. Somehow, tragedy and challenge make characters, make strong and real ones; and comfort and plenty and reward, bizarrely, will in like fashion unmake them. I still don't get it, but I think I know what it is I'm not getting.

Perfect Striped White Jets, In Their Hangars Bleeding

Just some stuff I've been listening to. 

They'll Be Too Drunk To Know

So like I went down to Dee's Cafe tonight and dang if tonight wasn't the most awesome I've had in so long it's not even funny and I totally owe Max a drink for inviting me to hang with his crowd and like you guys are awesome and I wish Max and Heather the best, and Kate you were cool too, and Heather don't service jobs suck amirite? and I'm so jealous of the dude Max and I lost at darts to cause dang man your holiday sweater was actually cool, like totes? and I was so drunk and that was the most fun I've had at the bar in a long time guys let's do this again sometime?

Like An Ocean Being Warmed By The Sun

Naturally, my vinyl list has grown. And in many ways, not shrunk.

Current:
Untamed Beast - Sallie Ford & The Sound Outside
Shulamith - Poliça
Up From Below - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Mechanical Bull - Kings Of Leon
Port Of Morrow - The Shins
New Moon - The Men
Torches - Foster The People
Heartthrob - Tegan & Sara
Hummingbird - Local Natives*
The Suburbs - The Arcade Fire*
Reflektor - The Arcade Fire
Blunderbuss - Jack White
Clockwork Angels - Rush*
Vapor Trails Remixed - Rush

Classics:
3 - Gamma
Lights Out - UFO
Drums & Wires - XTC
Crystal Logic - Manilla Road*

For The King, For The Dread, Animated, Freed And Fed

Karen Carpenter?

K. C. and The Sunshine Band?

Electric Light Orchestra?

The Who?

The Ramones?

I Will Choose Freewill

Forever 21 Is Now Selling a Shirt With an Ayn Rand Quote On It Ok, as much as the libertarian in me is totes stoked about this, why did Time run the article with a title that sounds like it was written by a scandalized fifth-grader? Better yet, why does the tag line read 'But do the chain's customers even know what objectivism means?'

Amazon: The Pop-Up Book Of Phobias Not to mention The Pop-Up Book Of Nightmares, and The Pop-Up Book Of Sex. I'll stick with the Rev. Awdry for now, thanks.

The Hipsterfication Of America Any true hipster would implode after reading this. Since I'm still here, I must not be one. Hooray, maybe? Also, shouldn't that be hipsterification?

You Thought We Wouldn't Notice...  but somebody did. Documenting artistic and graphical ripoffs of the most thoughtless kind.

At Every Occasion, One Billion Day Funeral

Cut It, Press It, Distribute It

Yes, I'm still on the vinyl kick. Here's what I'm looking for in new stuff.

Up From Below - Edward Sharpe And The Magnetic Zeroes*
Songs For Slim EP - The Replacements
Untamed Beast - Sallie Ford & The Sound Outside
Push The Sky Away - Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
Port Of Morrow - The Shins
New Moon - The Men
Torches - Foster The People
The House That Dirt Built - The Heavy*
Kings Of Leon - Mechanical Bull

And just for the hell of it, I'm listing some of the classic stuff I'm also looking for.

3 - Gamma
Lights Out - UFO
Drums & Wires - XTC
King Cool - Donnie Iris
Crystal Logic - Manilla Road*

* I already have both of these albums in digital format, but a vinyl copy would be nice to have.

Last but not least, here's ALL OF THE ALBUMS I STILL HAVE TO LISTEN TO YET.

Black Moth Super Rainbow - Cobra Juicy (side 2)
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Howl (sides 3 and 4)
DJANGO DJANGO (sides 2, 3, and 4)
The Flaming Lips - The Terror
Foo Fighters - In Your Honor
Foo Fighters - Wasting Light (listened to MP3 copy)
Poliça - Give You The Ghost (side 2)
STEPHEN STILLS
Roger Miller - Golden Hits
ALDO NOVA (side 2)
Laura Branigan - Self Control
The Best Of Bread
Jimmy Buffett - Volcano (scratched as hell)
THE CARS (listened to CD)
Dave Clark Five - Greatest Hits
The Everly Brothers - 15 Everly Hits
Donnie Iris - Back On The Streets (side 2)
Donnie Iris - King Cool (wrong disc in sleeve)
Donnie Iris - The High And The Mighty (side 1, somehow)
Donnie Iris - Fortune 410 (sealed!)
Joan Jett - Bad Reputation (scratched as hell)
Billy Joel - 52nd Street (side 2)
Rod Stewart - Foot Loose & Fancy Free
Three Dog Night - Naturally
UFO - Phenomenon
The Who - Who's Next (listened to CD)
The Who - Who Are You
Neil Young - Journey Through The Past
Neil Young & Crazy Horse - Rust Never Sleeps (listened to CD)
Neil Young & Crazy Horse - Live Rust (listened to CD)
Neil Young & Crazy Horse - Re*Ac*Tor
Warren Zevon - A Quiet Normal Life (side 2)
John Cafferty And The Beaver Brown band - Eddie And The Cruisers Soundtrack
Chet Atkins - And His Guitar
Alabama - Feels So Right
Boxcar Willie - Sings Hank Williams And Jimmie Rodgers
The Best Of Conway & Loretta
Arlo Guthrie - Running Down The Road
Waylon Jennings - Just To Satisfy You
Kris Kristofferson - Who's To Bless And Who's To Blame
Willie Nelson - Phases & Stages
Willie Nelson & Family - Honeysuckle Rose Soundtrack
Willie Nelson - Always On My mind
Willie Nelson - Half Nelson
The Best Of Jerry Reed
The Best Of Charlie Rich
Two different Kenny Rogers Greatest Hits albums, somehow
22 Highballin' Hits! (sides 2, 3, and 4)
Songs With A Railroad Ring
Nat King Cole - Unforgettable
Nat King Cole - Love Is A Many Splendored Thing
Ray Eberle Plays Glenn Miller Favorites
Henry Mancini - Six Hours Past Sunset
Pieces Of A Dream - We Are One
Frank Sinatra - Ol' Blue Eyes Is back
The Mills Brothers - 14 Karat Gold
The Platters - Encore Of Golden Hits
The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Motion picture Soundtrack

Shit, I better get listening. Don't even get me started on singles, by the way.

You're Spinning Away All My Time

This is a great photograph.

Been a while since I've done this, huh?