Monster Hospital, Please Erase Me

Man, I bet these hand soap scents smell fantastic. I can't wait to smell 'Healthcare Personnel'!

No. 

Now I Wanna Be Your Dog

There is some insanely good stuff on this list.
The 20 heaviest songs before Black Sabbath

*munch*munch*munch*
Why You Can Hear Paul McCartney Eating Celery on a Beach Boys Song

That Time An SR-71 Made An Emergency Landing In Norway After Spying On The Soviets

This is actually really cool. The scene is a French train station in the 1890s.
WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU UPSCALE A 120-YEAR-OLD SILENT FILM FOR 4K

And this Jordan Peterson bit, I think, simply speaks for itself. 

Same As It Ever Was, Same As It Ever Was

Exactly the silliness you didn't know you needed today. 

And Then Along Came Jones

Saw this juxtaposition on my phone while browsing YouTube the other day. 

Hell of a coincidence...

Mom And Pop They Raised Her On Huge Slabs Of Meat

Number four was kind of a pleasant surprise. Number one? Oughta be obvious! Pittsburgh's All-Time Favorite DJs: Here Are The Top 10

I admit it, puns are my favorite form of humor. I once thought up ten to submit to a joke contest, hoping at least one might place, but no pun in ten did. Someone In Colorado Is Putting Up The Funniest Signs Ever…

These are freakin' cool. Much nicer than the gumband pistol I had as a kid. Elastic Precision - Fully Loaded Fun

It's unfortunate. WPXI: South Side music store set to close later this spring

And dig this insanely vintage commercial for Monroeville Mall!

The House Is A-Rockin', Don't Bother Knockin'

As seen at the new employer. 

The stick figure's quizzical expression makes this one special.

All Around The World I've Been Looking For A New

WOR(L)D ASSOCIATION TIME!

Canadian:
bacon

British:

sketch comedy

Scottish:
whisky

Welsh:
coal

Irish:
either whiskey or writers (possibly both at the same time)

French:
resistance

German:
philosophers*

Spanish:
reconquista (suck it, terrorists)

Portuguese:
explorers

Italian:
food

Swiss:
neutrality**

Belgian:
waffles

Nordic:
Trac

Swedish:
murder mysteries

Finnish:
folk metal

Austrian:
arch-dukes

Greek:
more philosophers

Polish:
look, if it weren't for pierogi, Pittsburgh would have half-starved by now

Russian:
fighter jets

Czechoslovakian:
communists

Romanian:
more communists

Bulgarian:
even more communists

Yugoslavian:
different communists

Latvian:
again with the communists

Lithuanian:
shit, i dunno, communists, i guess?

Slovenian:
railfans***

Estonian:
more folk metal

Belorussian:
Really? That's the adjectival form of Belarus? It looks too much like... well, y'know, Russian. Who decides this crap?

Ukranian:
sovereignty

Turkish:
coffee

Syrian:
bread

Lebanese:
actors

Israeli:
self-defense

Egyptian:
walking

Libyan:
terrorism

Tunisian:
Carthage used to be here. Then Rome fucked their shit up. Also George S. Patton was there. Twice, actually.

Algerian:
desert

Moroccan:
Fun Fact: Casablanca, the greatest movie of all time, was set there.

Mexican:
tacos, burritos, chimichangas, etc.

Okay, I'm done.

* With the exceptions of Hegel, Heidegger, and Wittgenstein. Utterly clueless, that lot.
** Cheese was a close second.
*** Okay, half-Slovenian. On his dad's side. Hi Matt.

Up In Your Arms, Too Late To Beg You

Okay, so one morning last winter, my sister needed a hand cleaning her pet bunny's cage. She asked me to hold Nittany for a few minutes. In the immortal words of Jeremy Clarkson, "What could possibly go wrong?"

Well, this.

One minute Nitt is sitting in my arms calm as can be, and the next she's up on my shoulders! Then again, she's always liked to do that. Hence Brie's former Facebook profile image below. Yarr. 

(As an aside, the title lyrics are from 'The Killing Moon' by Echo & the Bunnymen, hence Brie naming her first bunny Echo.) 

Flying Machines In Pieces On The Ground

Maybe I'm just being mean, but there's something I find endlessly amusing about this warning label I saw at work.

Right in the face!

Just as good is this one from my friend Mike. It's out of a power plant he did some contractor work at. At which he did some contractor work. 

Sproing, motherfucker!

Am I The Only One In The Only World?

The grass is always greener on the other side of the DMZ.

Does The Karate Kid count as a kung-fu movie?

There was that time Jesus told a dumb joke, and it was soter-rible. (It's ok. The Buddah got it.)

A pickpocket's worst fear is a ticklish person. 

You're so lazy you don't even make sense!

Where's that sandbar? I could go for a dry martini.

Cable network WGN should change its callsign to WTR. I mean, all they ever show is Walker, Texas Ranger.*

Ask a question, get a stupid answer.

Why doesn't Sheetz sell schwarma? It would fit in just fine!

I'm unable to decide whether I deserve to be exiled to a monastery or a nude beach.

* That is, when they're not showing the Jason Bourne movies. 

Turns People Into Clay, Radiation Minds Decay

So I've been looking for an apartment lately. Not with much seriousness, as I'm not exactly well-employed enough to merit finally moving out, but I'm trying to keep my eye on the field and see what's available for what price. To that end, I picked up one of those rental guide magazines they give away for free at the grocery store. Naturally, most of them turned out to be amenity-laden high-end properties that I will not likely afford anytime soon. Even so, one of them stood out to me. Can you spot the reason?

Note: I've removed their contact info being that this is not a commercial blog, it's just for my own fun. It shouldn't be hard to Google them if you're really interested in living there. Except Cranberry is kinda lame, to be honest.

So didja find it yet?

No?

Hint: look under the amenities section.

Yep, you read that right. 

You'll Shoot'em Down Because You're Waiting For Someone Good To Come On

So... the hosts of The Tonight Show have been, in order: 

Jack Paar

Johnny Carson

Jay Leno

and Jimmy Fallon.

Notice anything about that lineup?

All their first names begin with J!

Coincidence? I think not.

EDIT: I was informed that the first Tonight Show host was actually early TV comedian Steve Allen, and I had forgotten about Conan O'Brien's nine-month stint as host after Leno's first 'retirement'. So the theory may be Jossed. Let's wait twenty years and see who succeeds Fallon. 

Farmer Wins A Trophy And Hands It To You

I think this might be the start of a series. The subject being weird pictures of musicians.

Mcgwireonfire, via Wikimedia

The hell happened here? This is a picture of the avant-noise band Deerhoof. I think they're still alive. I mean, I know their music is weird (one of the few bands whose output borders on non-music that I like), but this is just strange. Then again, I've never seen them live, despite them coming to the Warhol museum twice that I can think of. I wonder if this is just something they do...

I should point out that lead singer Satomi Matsuzaki joined the band a week after arriving in San Francisco from Japan, and went on the band's first tour the following week. With NO previous musical experience. (That should explain... something.) But the most inexplicable part of this is that I got th photo from their Wikipedia page. Like with Robert Pollard linked above, whose idea was this?

Born A King On Bethlehem's Plain, Gold I Bring To Crown Him Again

Merry Christmas, yinz guys.

They Just LOOOOOVE To Watch Her Strut

I blame that stupid civet coffee.

All I thought I was doing was telling my coworkers that I'd prefer to stick with my favorite coffee. And the one guy, who shall remain nameless, starts LAUGHING.

Let me start at the beginning. When I got to work on Tuesday, a couple of my coworkers were talking about that really expensive coffee that's reclaimed from some cat. It's horrible. Yes, after that cat has eaten the coffee beans. No, I'm not making this up. It's too dumb to be bullshit (as it were), sadly.

It's very costly coffee, wherever it comes from. There's maybe half a ton made every year going for $600/lb; that's in comparison to 2.6 million tons of ordinary coffee in a year from Brazil alone at around $3 to $6 per pound. When they started talking about who could afford to drink this crap, I mentioned that I'd not be tempted to give up the dark roast brewed up by the Beehive coffee shop on the South Side. And my apparently easily amused coworker starts cracking up, barely restraining himself. 

Now, such a thing would make sense had I expressed interest, rather than disgust, at the idea of fiendishly expensive cat poop coffee. But there was something else going on. He wasn't even thinking about the aforementioned coffee, but rather the name of my favorite coffee shop, and those of you who often drive US-22 between Delmont and Blairsville may see the problem. I had forgotten that there are two 'Beehives' in the area.

Yes, his first thought was not the funky little neighborhood coffee shop caddy-corner from Starbucks on 14th and East Carson; but rather the, shall we say... 'erotic venue'... just east of Delmont that shares the name. The one that I've been informed is not really all that great, actually. My coworker certainly derived quite the afternoon of amusement by imagining me drinking coffee while surrounded by scantily-clad ladies. It's pretty funny, actually, if you're not imagining the place as an utter dump. 

Old Man, Look At My Life

Hey, guess what? Neil Young turns 70 today! You know what that means? Neil Young is OLD.

Happy ironic birthday, Neil!

It's Dead! It's In The Middle! And It's Stinking To High, High Heaven!

I know! I know! My opinion of your marketing department! 

As seen at the Route 8 Trader Horn.

I Don't Care If It Rains, Let's All Go To The Bar

So I decided that, for my 29th birthday, I was going to get as many of my friends together and take them to the South Side. So we got a pretty good group together and started out at Dee's. I got a quick photo of the bunch there.

No, that's not it. 

That's definitely not it!

Ah, there we go. Sam was there earlier, but took off for Lava Lounge to meet an old college roomie who lives on the South Side now. We, in fact, caught up with them.

Thank you to Matt for driving, and everyone else for coming! Ray liked the music, Mike & Lauren recommended a couple of bars I'd never thought to try (Carmella's and Acacia - I was in Carmella's a couple times when it was still Inn-termission, but that was a while ago), Jonathan didn't get as drunk as we hoped expected, and a good time was had all around.

Oh, and we stopped at Lesvos for food. Obligatory pic of my friends eating, lol.

Let's do this again sometime!

But If You Wanna Win You Gotta Learn How To Play

"It's the Ore Whore of the Hour!" said the Clock That Ended The Great Depression.

Welcome to Pen-And-Pencilvania.

Ladies, don't go half-assed and ask for 'one panty please'.

Top o' the morning, bottom of the ninth.

It's the difference between the numinous and the bituminous.

This Pistol Range Is Clothing Optional. You May Encounter Nude Recreators With Concealed Handguns.

"Mr. Spector, tear down this wall!"

Once you calm down, don't forget to leave yourself a Post-Snit Note.

Give me some aspartame, baby.

WARNING: The mind, heart and soul subsystems contain no user-serviceable parts. Please return to manufacturer for qualified service.

I think Ludwig Wittgenstein would be impressed. F.A. Hayek, not so much.

Hangover Child, Til The Clock Runs Over

Q: What's a hipster's favorite kind of weather?

A: Post-cipitation!

Q: What noise does a hipster cow make?
A: "Meh..."

Q: What's the difference between farmers and hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork.

Q: How much do hipsters weigh, on average?
A: An Instagram.

Q: How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Y'know, the corner bar has working lights. Let's go get wasted.

Q: Where was the body of the drowned hipster found?
A: Floating in the mainstream.

Q: What's a hipster's favorite place in the whole world?
A: Not where they are.