Still Looking For That Blue Jean Baby Queen, Prettiest Girl I Ever Seen

I think I may have accidentally bought a pair of ladies' jeans.

In fairness, all I was looking for was a cheap pair of jeans to wear to work. One of my pairs of Carhartt jeans, which are supposed to be a bit tougher, wear a bit harder, made for the working man, has finally split its seam. Incidentally, it's to be cut up and used for patches for the other pairs of Carhartts that are still hanging on.

I struck out at the recently opened Salvation Army store on the corner of 9th and East Carson. No jeans in my size. I will say this for the Salvation Army: their store is always far better organized than Goodwill. It's a better shopping experience, actually. Better staffed, better organized, and no irritating BOB FM on the radio. So I picked up my headphones from my car, put on my Guided By Voices mix (a necessity after all this winter and a trying week at work) and made the mile-long trek to Goodwill. It's a fun walk, past all the storefronts, restaurants, and even some of the more interesting vacant buildings that line East Carson.

An important point of context: I had not begun drinking yet.

I made it down to the South Side Works (to give an idea how long a walk this is, the Goodwill is on 27th and East Carson, eighteen blocks away), and began my search. They had rearranged the store since I had been in last, and I had to find the pants. In the end I only found three pairs of jeans in my size - or close to it. There were two ordinary-looking pairs, and one that was obviously from the acid-wash jeans trend of the late 80s and early 90s. I mean, these things were so close to being snow white it was hilarious. I had to at least try them on, but I didn't get a picture of the event, (un)fortunately.

I grabbed them and stole away to the fitting room to check for fit. I jammed myself into the acid-wash beast. It wasn't so comfortable, actually - it was pretty tight around the knees. Not quite skinny jean territory, but not something I want to worry about at work. So I extricated myself from them as best I could; and, with a sigh of either relief or disappointment (still not sure which one) hung the grunge-era relic back on its hanger.

Next up was the first of the ordinary pair. I think they were Faded Glory - you know, the Wal-Mart store brand. They weren't too bad, except the waistband was awful pinchy. I don't like pinchy waistbands. As a matter of fact, I have a pair of Carhartts to replace with that exact problem. So again, out and back to the hanger on the wall hook they went, not to be purchased.

I came to the last pair. The brand was unfamiliar to me - the Mossimo Supply Co. New one on me. As I gave them their moment in the sun, I realized that these were certainly the most comfortable jeans I could have found in the whole store, possibly the best I've worn in my life. Nothing felt squeezed, nothing seemed too loose; it honesty felt like I wasn't even wearing pants at all, they were so comfortable. (Better that than vice versa, I suppose.) Done and done! I decided at that moment that they would be mine. I bought them and headed back to drop them off at the car.

Then I went to the bar.

Fast-forward to the next day. I decide to try them on, and I'm showing them to my mom and talking about how nice the fit is. She asks about the brand and I show her the label. In goes 'Mossimo Supply Co.' to the gaping maw of Google, whose all-seeing eye finds us what we were looking for. I think.

Incidentally, any comparisons between Google and Mordor are easily explained by the fact that the folks and I just finished watching 'Return Of The King'. Besides, only one at a time can wield the Ring - since it took both Larry and Sergey to create the greatest search engine ever, I think we're safe from Google.

As Mom and I scan some online store that carries Mossimo clothing, we notice something problematic. All we're seeing in jeans is in the ladies' category. Men who shop for Mossimo and want something other than dress slacks to cover them from the waist down (they don't even sell kilts!) will be going home in their skivvies. And in this weather, that's bad news.

I'm still not completely convinced that they're ladies' jeans, though. I don't want to return them or let them go, as I really like them. So here's the evidence suggesting that they are in fact men's:

1. Their size is given in the same format as all the other jeans I've ever owned - in waist/length format. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that some company out there sizes ladies' pants the same way, but I've never heard of it. Mom hasn't either. 
2. The belt loops are big enough for my studded belt. You know, one like every hipster has left over from his poorly-executed punk phase. I'd've expected ladies' jeans to have smaller belt loops. 
3. There's plenty of room in them for The Fifth Most Important Things In Life. You'd think ladies' jeans would bind there if a guy wore them. Not so in this case. (Most Important Things One Through Four shall remain secret.)
4. Nowhere on them does it specify whether they're men's or ladies'. This isn't conclusive, but it isn't conclusive for the counter-argument, either. 

Speaking of which, here's the evidence for them to, in fact, be of the ladies' department:

1. Mossimo does not appear to make men's jeans. Despite some serious searching, I found no evidence that they do so.
2. Like I said, Goodwill is comparatively less organized than the Salvation Army. It's entirely plausible that these jeans got moved from the ladies' department to the men's by accident, and nobody noticed. Or just as likely, nobody knew that they were ladies' wear in the first place. 
3. They're so positively comfortable, it boggles the mind. Most of my 'most comfortable' jeans would be better described as 'least annoying', actually. These are actually enjoyable to wear.

Irregardless, I've been wearing them all day, and I think they're my new favorite pair of jeans. 

Breaking Free From All The Spells Chained To My Head

Surely, every fantasy reader knows about the case of the dead villain who doesn't let it stop him. Possibly the best-known example is Sauron and his One Ring. Pouring his power into it to control the other rings - the Three of the Elves (they saw what Sauron did there), the Seven of the Dwarves, and the Nine of the Kings of Men - it was later taken from him and lost. If it fell into the wrong hands, Sauron could rise to his full power again.

Harry Potter fans know a similar attempt by series villain Voldemort; J.K. Rowling coined the term Horcrux to define such an item. But it's in the webcomic Order Of The Stick, a long-running story operating under the Dungeons & Dragons rules, that we get a serious name for these objects; big bad lich Xykon has an amulet that will regenerate his undead body in case of emergency. His second-in-command, the goblin cleric Redcloak, refers to it as a phylactery. And Wikipedia does indeed define the word as "an amulet or charm, worn for its supernatural power." The site also mentions that the phylactery is common as an item in fantasy games. I took a peek at the 'lich' entry in my D&D 1st edition Monster Manual, and it does indeed make mention of the item, but does not give any details about the phylactery in particular.

It is neat to learn that some of the things in fiction I enjoy have real-world inspirations and precedents.

Nine Riders, Hunting Souls

At last! Undeniable proof that Gondor of old once resided within the Allegheny Mountains!

Also, 'Warriors Mark' is a pretty badass name for a town. 

(I swear I'll blog about something other than Lord Of The Rings soon.)

I'm Packing My Bags For The Misty Mountains

As of late I've been obsessively re-reading The Hobbit, The Lord of The Rings, and The Silmarillion. While beginning The Fellowship Of The Ring, I noticed a line that seemed out of place for Tolkien. It occurs during Bilbo's birthday party, in describing one of Gandalf's fireworks:

"Out flew a red-golden dragon - not life-size, but terribly life-like: fire came from his jaws, his eyes glared down; there was a roar, and he whizzed three times over the heads of the crowd. They all ducked, and many fell flat on their faces. The dragon passed like an express train, turned a somersault, and burst over Bywater with a deafening explosion."

As far as I can recall, this is the only simile Tolkien uses of an anachronistic nature. Whenever I read the line, it draws me out of the story ever so slightly, but it's not that big a quibble.

However, I'm not so excited about seeing the final installment of the Hobbit movies as the above may indicate. I was by and large pleased with An Unexpected Journey. At the time, my opinion on the changes made to the story were largely favorable.

One change in the overall story made this chapter for me: the flashback to the battle with Azog before the gates of Moria and the origin of Thorin's surname of Oakenshield. It's not in The Hobbit; rather, it's additional material included in the appendices to Lord Of The Rings, which are included after the conclusion in Return Of The King. Scenes of Gandalf, Elrond, Saruman and Galadriel debating their courses of action against The Necromancer - they make up the 'White Council' mentioned in Rings - helped give some sense of the epic scope of Tolkien's legendarium and linked the two trilogies. Bilbo's riddle game with Gollum was well and truly done. There was one pair of riddles exchanged that wasn't in the movie, but the omission seems to have harmed the movie little if at all.

I'll admit that the appearance of Radagast in both movies was a little bit on the goofy side, even though his introduction is also a setup for The Necromancer and the perils of Mirkwood. I guess I was also mostly comfortable with the addition of Azog as an additional antagonist pursuing Thorin and his companions, and I had figured that The Desolation Of Smaug would treat the story just as well. I wasn't as impressed.

One of the things that I missed was the introduction of the dwarves (as well as the wizard and hobbit) to Beorn. I liked how, in the original novel, Gandalf uses a clever tactic to open Beorn up to aiding the party. Instead of introducing everyone at once, Gandalf and Bilbo begin the introductions; and they continue with the dwarves coming two at a time, intentionally interrupting Gandalf's tale of their journey so far. This effectively keeps Beorn on the edge of his seat, and gradually opens up the idea of helping out so many of them. It also demonstrates Gandalf's wits to complement his wizardry, and that's why it's one of my own favorite events in the tale. That said, I was impressed with Gandalf's investigation into the return of Sauron, right until the reveal - and the somewhat cheesy Eye manifestation. Cutting that down to just a foreboding flash would have been less annoying and a bit more startling.

Also, one of my obsessive re-readings of Return Of The King took me into the appendices again. I was reminded that at the end of the battle before Moria, when Azog was defeated, he was beheaded by Dain Ironfoot - the same character that leads the dwarves in the Battle Of Five Armies - and his head placed on a pike before the gates. To a purist fan, the addition of Azog to the story involves an act of narrative necromancy (ironically enough) and would likely end up grating. I'm kind of unhappy with it myself. Since Bolg, alleged son of Azog, is the orc captain in the climactic battle, the writers could have used him instead. Revenge would not be an unreasonable motive for the crooked goblins of Middle-Earth.

I was interested by the glimpse we get of Bard - a well-rounded family man - and I was intrigued by the reinterpretation of the 'black arrow' as a bow-fired artillery dart instead of a typical arrow. That said, one of the most important parts of the climax, ostensibly to be seen in The Battle Of The Five Armies, is Bard's downing of Smaug. The plot thread of the hole in Smaug's gold-encrusted underbelly,  Bilbo's discovery of this fatal weakness, and the eavesdropping thrush passing the information to Bard at his last stand is supposed to be a key part of it. I guess this isn't necessary, with the apparent change to one loose scale in his hide as Smaug's weak point. The idea of a dragon who is wise to his one weakness - his soft underbelly - and does something about it - lying on the hoard so that the treasure embeds itself into his skin - is such a fantastical element and a treat for the imagination. I cannot fathom why nothing was made of it at all.

The two gripes I have that stick the hardest are the subplots concerning the elves and the social unrest in Esgaroth, and the overblown 'battle' between the dwarves and Smaug. To me, the subplots are unnecessary and therefore distracting. While I had expected a likely appearance by Legolas to visually connect the two trilogies, I wasn't enthralled by the Legolas-Tauriel-Kili love triangle. It simply felt like it didn't belong. Just a glimpse into Thranduil's realm would have been enough. That's all we get in the book. And we didn't need to see the spectre of class envy dragged into Esgaroth. It was all unnecessary talk, and added nothing to the core story, the one I paid nine bucks to see. The 'battle' was too implausible, even for a fantasy story; and it dragged on, no pun intended.

None of these additions came from Tolkien-authored source material, as far as I know. And Tolkien's story is what I'm missing. Somehow, Peter Jackson forgot how he made The Lord Of The Rings, and it shows in the prequel trilogy. I would have been happy with two movies, with truer additions and interpretations, and less fanfiction. So, yeah, maybe when this winter comes and the last movie comes out, I'll stay home and read the book instead. I'm sorely tempted to do so.

Smoking An Enormous Long Wooden Pipe

You don't have to listen to the entire ten minutes of the song. It's some really whacked-out, far-out-there doom metal; and as such, probably isn't for everybody. Even so, I like this band. From Electric Wizard's 1995 self-titled debut, and sharing the band's name as well, this track has a very interesting voiceover at the very end. If you skip to the last twenty or so seconds of the video, a deep voice will speak the line 'smoking an enormous long wooden pipe'. 

My friend Sam, who is obsessed with metal music of all kinds, turned me on to this group. His copy of the album seems to have the line as a separate track, simply titled 'Wooden Pipe'; but I couldn't find it by itself for some reason. All the videos available on YouTube have it appended to 'Electric Wizard', as above. When we first played it at the Shed, we actually thought the line was 'smoking an enormous large wooden pipe'. I don't think that's correct. 

It actually seems to be taken, word for word, from a line at the very beginning of The Hobbit, where Bilbo Baggins is relaxing outside and having a smoke:

"...and the hobbits were still numerous and prosperous, and Bilbo Baggins was standing at his door after breakfast smoking an enormous long wooden pipe that reached nearly down to his wooly toes (neatly brushed) - Gandalf came by. Gandalf! If you had heard only a quarter of what I had heard about him..."

It never quite sounded like 'large' to me, and after making the connection, I'm certain that Jus Osborn, author of the band's debut, has some soft spot for The Hobbit, at the very least.

As an aside, a number of people I know have told me that what's being smoked in all of Middle-Earth is marijuana. No. Stop. It's not, and by that statement I know that you've never read all of The Lord Of The Rings; in the preface to The Fellowship Of The Ring, it's made quite clear that 'pipe-weed' is a close relative of tobacco. Stop it.

Also, that video is fuckin' weird. Good song though.

Now I Don't Know How To Feel, I've Got Bulldog Skin

I don't understand it.

I'm vacillating - oscillating, really, between two sets of feelings - One shining and pure, the other a sense of waste on many levels and in many interpretations. In order, the last few books I've read (and this might give a clue as to the source of my emotional pinballing) are: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played With Fire, The Hobbit, The Fellowship Of The Ring (only so far as Frodo's arrival in Rivendell), and Generation X by Douglas Coupland. The last I just picked up today for 99 cents in a thrift store on the South Side (along with a fistful of oldies on their original labels, natch) and interrupted my revisit to Middle-Earth to check it out. I'm still not finished with the novel, but it's a strange tale of Southern California hipsterism, apparently published just before it was cool. And it's a vividly shitty and emotionally empty view of the world.

My reading list has turned into the emotional equivalent of the liar paradox, almost; and I sit here emotionally supertasking for almost no discernable reason. I can only guess that the sense of depression I got from reading the first Larsson novel and following up a few days later with the second needed healed with Tolkien's fantasy world, about as richly and glowingly conceived as the Sweden of Lisbeth Salander and Mikael Blomkvist seems to be dulled and darkened by filth and sex, the SoCal of Dag, Andy and Claire weatherbeaten and warmed-over (or cleverly hand-distressed to appear as such?). I'm bewildered and depressed, yet again, by Coupland and his knack for picking apart the lives of twentysomethings who feel equal parts smothered and abandoned by the (post-)modern world. Strangely, I feel as though Tolkien gives to the hobbits returning home at the end of The Return Of The King the same chance to remake their world in their own image as the disaffected youth of Coupland's novel seem to long for. Saruman as mass marketer? A strange instance of applicability, especially as opposed to the disavowed allegory alluded to in Fellowship's foreword.

Cut away the garbage, the hype, the careers, the fads and the fast food, and you get to what makes people, well, human. Somehow, tragedy and challenge make characters, make strong and real ones; and comfort and plenty and reward, bizarrely, will in like fashion unmake them. I still don't get it, but I think I know what it is I'm not getting.

We're Told To Hold Fire Until Unfriendly

It's like The Da Vinci Code, but with Led Zeppelin instead of Da Vinci. 10 Mind-Blowing Easter Eggs Hidden in Famous Albums

Interesting discussion of why there won't be any more Middle-Earth movies after The Hobbit is complete. Concerning Christopher – An Essay on Tolkien’s Son’s Decision to Not Allow Further Cinematic Licensing of His Work

Damn you, former employer; stop being so interesting! A McD's built for the sole purpose of shooting commercials. Fake TV McDonald's

In Soviet Russia, train set runs you! From English Russia, an interesting Russian HO-gauge setup. Railway Modeller Forum - English Russia